Uttarakhand > Utttarakhand Language & Literature - उत्तराखण्ड की भाषायें एवं साहित्य
Satire on various Social Issues - सामाजिक एवं विकास के मुद्दे और हास्य व्यंग्य
Bhishma Kukreti:
Satire and Fatkar
My Village Achieving 100 % Modernity
Bhishma Kukreti
In our childhood, my cousin Chandu Bhaiji dreamt for the modern life in Mumbai and I dreamt for a college teacher in rural Garhwal. However, it happened the opposite. He is a lecturer in an Inter college near by my village and I do job in Mumbai.
Before mobile of telephone came , we used to share our experiences through letters not through post office but through our area men going to area villages from Mumbai or coming to Mumbai from villages. Most of the time, I tell my memories of village life of my childhood and he tells the tales of my village achieving modernity.
Like other day, he gave miss call on my mobile, I called him again and he said, “ Bhishma ! Now, our village achieved fifty percent modernity“
.Happily I asked,” That is fine . What is new achievement?”
Chandu Bhaiji answered,” This year on Vasant Pinkham , we stopped putting Hariyali on upper part of doors.”
I said ,” That’s fine. By the way, what about common toilets for villagers?’
He said, “ No I don’t think we shall get grant for the common toilets for the villagers. The government is asking fifty rupees from each family and no body is ready for such a useless utility for this money.”
Another day, he gave a miss call, I called him and he said,” Bhishma ! We got fifty five percent modernity in my village. From this year, we villagers stopped celebrating Makar Samkranti but started celebrating Valentine day. And even the older men and women enjoyed Valentine day celebration. Really valentine day is very enjoyable festival. By starting Valentine day celebration, we progressed two percent in achieving modernity and by stopping Makar Samkranti celebration, we got three percent achievement in progressing towards modernity in our village ”
I asked,” Bhaiji! Is there any progress for Patti Canal ? If that canal would be completed , the whole area would be irrigated “
He answered, “ No ! no body in the area is interested to bring irrigation canal because, canal means agriculture, horticulture and both are the sign of non-modernity. We all villagers are now, bent to reach hundred percent modernity in each village”
Like that after getting his miss call, I called him and asked, “ Bhaiji ! What happened electrification in the area?”
He answered with enthusiastically , “ No body is interested in electrification because, electricity bills are more than burden on us. But we got progress by five percent in achieving modernity. From this year, we villagers stopped celebrating First Day of Shak Sambat or Goodi Padiva and by that we could attain three percent progress in achieving modernity This year only, we stated celebrating Christian new year on thirty fist December and first January . We all enjoyed Christian new year eve by taking alcoholic drinks by all including women folks of villages and we all danced whole night. Christian New year is better than our Hindu new year celebration from enjoyment point of view. By this we got two percent advancement in accomplishing modernity in our villages”
Concluding, he said,” Till now , we have achieved eighty five percent modernity in our village.
I came know that my Taiji (Chandu Bhaiji’s mother) expired and I called him. And came to know that he was in funeral and offering pyre to Taiji’s dead body. After an hour he gave miss call, as usual I called him and said sadly, “ I am sorry Tai Ji expired. She was my second mother for me”
Happily and applaud , he answered,” Yes mother is no more but our village achieved hundred percent modernity. Now our village is hundred percent modern”
I confusingly asked,, “ How come by the death of ttaiji our village is hundred percent modern”
Chandu Bhaiji answered joyfully, “ You know ! My Mother was the only person in our village who used to speak in our mother tongue that is Garhwali language and forcefully me and my wife had to speak in Garhwali language with her. Now she is no more and no body will speak in Garhwali language in our village. Now, every body will talk in Hindi only. Bhishma ! We improved fifteen percent in realizing hundred percent modernity in the village. Now you can call us modern too.” He further informed me, “ All villagers decided that we shall celebrate this biggest ever achievement of hundred percent modernity on Terhveen (thirteenth day of death) of my mother and we shall take thirteen types of alcoholic drinks on that day”
Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, India, 2010
Bhishma Kukreti:
Satire and Fatkar
Shramdan Changing into Sharamdan
Bhishma Kukreti
Thanks to Information Technology department that the department erected mobile towers in each area of my Patti and adjacent Patti in Garhwal . Now, my all relatives in Garhwal are having mobile phone. My relatives in Garhwal are happy but my wife is annoyed that every month , my mobile bill is increasing progressively.
Today morning I get a missed call and I could not recall the caller . I got six missed calls from same cell number. At last, I called the miss caller and asked,” Who is there?”
The answer was,” I am your far elder cousin Bahwani. You don’t have manner to respect your elder. I have been giving you missed calls and you did not recall me.”
I apologized,“ Sorry! Bahwani dada! I was busy with my other daily routine. Tell my why were there so many missed calls from you?”
Bhawani dada said, “ From future, see that you call me on my missed calls. You write a letter to Jila Parishad Pauri about reconstruction of collapsed Sanjait Batu (public road) in Banjan (where Oak tress are abundantly) . For six years, we villagers are facing difficulties in that path. Now , it is high time that government reconstruct the ruined road.”
I asked, “ You mean the road on hilly side which, our great grand fathers and great grand mothers built on Shramdan( cooperative basis without charging to anybody for labour ). Cant all villagers do again Shramdan and rebuild the path, which is very important for the village?”
Bhawani dada said, “ Why should we do Shramdan when we have democratic government chosen by us. Don’t waste time on this petty matter of Shramdan . You just send a strong letter to Jila Parishad”
I wanted to go for bathing but another caller called but again it was miss call. The callers called three time and all were miss calls.
I had to recall the caller and I asked,” Who is there?”
He answered, “ You don’t have good manners. I am signaling you through miss calls and that means you should have called me immediately. I am Mahipal from your Bua’s Sasural and by relation I am your uncle.”
I apologized, “ I am sorry Mahipal Kaka ! Tell me Kaka ! why did you put missed calls?”
Mahipal Kaka said, “ Our Sanjait Baudi (public water reservoir for irrigation) is washed last to last rainy season . The villagers are facing difficulty for irrigation for last two years. You write a strong letter to irrigation department Dehradun for rebuilding this Baudi “
I asked, “ If I am not mistaken hundred years back , your villagers built this Baudi on cooperative labour basis. Each family used to earn at least fifty thousand buck in one season by growing potatoes and onions due to that reservoir. Why don’t your villagers build again on Shramdan (cooperative labour basis) this life line of your village?”
Kaka said, “ From Mumbai, you don’t teach us what we villagers should do and what we should not do. We are living in democratic country and it is shameful for we villagers of modern time if we build our public water reservoir on Shramdan (cooperative labour) basis. You see that you write a strong letter to the state irrigation department for building public water reservoir .”
Instead me , he put off phone.
I was just remembering my late Bua Ji and Fufa Ji and in between there were ten signals for missed calls . I called after fifteen minutes the caller, “ Who is there ?”
There was answer,” You don’t have manner. I am signaling you to call me back immediately by providing missed calls and you did call me very late . I am Raija Arya from your Mama kot (the village of maternal uncle) . By relation, I am your Mama (maternal uncle) .”
I asked,” Tell me Raija Mama ! “
Raija Mama said,” You post a report on local papers of Uttarakhand that even after so many reminders from our village the horticulture department of Uttarakhand is not responding.”
I asked, “ What is there for horticulture department to respond immediately?”
Raija Mama explained, “ Nine decades ago, our grand parents built fruit garden in our village.”
I said, “ Yes! My mom told me many times the story of building fruit gardens there. Every family contributed to build the garden by way of labour and some money for fruit plant. It was marvelous example of Shramdan in our area.”
He interrupted and said, “ Now, that beautiful and beneficial garden which you have seen many times is no more. That garden require major reconstruction or repair and re-plantation. For last six years, we have been requesting horticulture department to reconstruct the garden but there is no response at all.”
I said, “ MamaJi! The villagers can reconstruct fruit garden by Shramdan and by way contribution from each family.”
Raija Mama Said, “ You don’t know ground reality of Garhwal by sitting in air-conditioned rooms in Mumbai . From Mumbai, don’t teach us what we villagers should do and what should not do. We villagers are no fool that we spend our hard earned money by contributing on public utility . We are in democratic country and we should not spend money by way of cooperative methods on public utility. You make pressure on government by publishing news of non response from horticulture department on all local papers of Garhwal and specially Dehradun” Instead of me, he put off phone.
By evening, I got hundred miss calls from ten persons from my village area and I had to recall every caller . Every body was bent upon asking grant from government to construct something, which , at older age villagers used to construct by way of Shramdan (contribution by labour and money) . Every body taught me that in democracy, no body should do Shramdan.
Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, Mumbai, India, 2010
Bhishma Kukreti:
Satire and Fatkar
Sudden Interest in Armed Force Job
Bhishma Kukreti
Other day, I got call from my Bwada ( father’s elder brother) from Garhwal, “ Bhishma ! Listen you have to make arrangement that my grandson gets job in Army Supply Core. You have influence there for getting job.”
I said,” Bwada ! It is fine that I will see that my nephew (Bwada’s grand son) gets job in armed supply core. However, a few years back you were deadly against our family members joining army . Your view was that PWD is better department than army”
Bwada made me understand,” Yes! a few years back army division was not corrupt department. Now , I heard that now a days, there is more corruption in army supply core than PWD or CPWD and every employee of army supply core may mint money”
Next day, I got a call from my maternal uncle village (mamakot). Jaya Nand Lohar called, “ Bhanje Bhishma ! I heard that you have very good relation in military employment section “
I replied,” Yes . “
Jaya Nand Lohar said,” Please make arrangement that my younger son gets job in Canteen Store Department that is CSD”
I asked, “ But mama ! A couple years back, you were telling that forest department is better department to work.”
He explained,” You are right. ! On those days, forest department was more corrupt than military services . I heard that each CSD employee gets commission on registering the supplier and on each purchases for army canteen as well”
Another day, I got a call from my sasural village . Anand Singh Rawat called me and said, “ Bhishma jamwain ji ! You have very good influence in Navy employment exchange. Please help my son getting job in Naval coastal guard department “
I replied, “ But, Rawwat Ji ! Last month , you said that custom department was better than Naval coastal department to work.”
Anand Singh Rawat explained, “ On that time, I was not knowing that there are opportunies for corruption in Navy Coastal Guard department. I had a wrong knowledge that custom department was the only corrupt department.”
Next day another call came from my sister’s sasural village. Atma Ram said, “ Kukreti ji, it is good to know that you have very good influence in military Spy department. Please help my grandson getting job there in military spy department “
I asked, “ But , Atmaram Ji ! a months back days back you were of opinion that income tax department is better than military spy department “
Atmaran clarified, “ I was ignorant on that time that income tax department is more corrupt department than other government department. When I heard the news of MS Gupta betraying India , I changed my opinion. Now I am sure that there are chances of corruption in military spy department too.”
Today, wife said,” You have good influence in army employment exchange . Help my friend’s son getting job in armed forces”
I said, “ Suddenly how come did your friend become patriotic ?”
Wife described, “ Oh no. She does not want to send her son in army for patriotic reasons but she says that now , there are ample chances of corruption in armed force departments and that way there are opportunities of extra earning than salary”
I said, “ Oh my god . Now I am worried man about the new perception about armed force employment”
Wife said, “ You should worry about my friend’s son getting job in armed forces . Let the prime minister, ministers , officers of armed forces be worry about people’s wrong perception about military services “
(This is pure work of fiction)
Copyright@ Bhishma Kukreti, bckukreti@gmail.com
Bhishma Kukreti:
Satire and Fatkar
In Search of Patwari (a Revenue cum Police office )
Bhishma Kukreti
In old days, it was easy to deal with Patwari. Patwaris used to do many works as Dakhil Kharij, character certificates etc free of under the table fees. In my childhood , I never heard word Ghoos (Bribery) . I came to know about Ghoos or bribery only when I read the word in Bhargav dictionary in seventh standard . If you take Gheeki Ghnati , the Patwari would be happiest person. Offering Goat meat was luxury in our area as less of families had goats in my time because migration was became a fashion before I was born. Patwari s had less needs and they were less greedy too. Ptawari Ka Chapdasi Ji used to do many jobs in leo of Tamakhu ki Dhnidi
These days, Patwaris are of different genre. A few months back I had to go for registration my ancestral property in village and I had to visit Patwari ki Chauki along with my cousin
I met there Patwari ji Ka Chapdasi Ji who after knowing my motives, asked us to wait for some time as he was going Gadhan for an urgent work. I thought that he would be going for toileting but I was wrong. When he came back his face was covered by ash. He told that since, Raja Ram ji was not there , he had to take care of country liquor distillery (definitely all illegal) run by Raja Ram ji .
Surprisingly I said, “ A country liquor distillery nearby Patwari Chauki?”
He replied, “ Why are you surprised ? I had been Mumbai and in opposite of Jogeshwari police station , there was an Aunti ka Adda (illegal bar) . There, policemen too used to come to have drinks. If it can happen in Mumbai , it may also happen in village.”
My cousin asked him about whereabouts of Patwari Ji
Chapdasi ji informed, “ You know Jila Parishad member Heera Singh ji had come from capital . He is very gentleman. He wished to Patwari ji to go for Ayedi (hunting of antelope family) . Patwari ji respects every gentleman . Today, Patwari ji has gone Puryath ka Danda for hunting Ghweed - Kakhad”
I shouted, “ Patwari ji Ayad Khilna Jayan chhan ? , Has Patwari ji gone for hunting?’
The Chapdasi Ji answered, “ If Salman Khan could go for hunting with the help of police fellows our Patwari ji can also go for hunting in our area”
We came back from Chauki as Chapdasi ji advised us to come another day.
We visited Chauki another day. Patwari ji was not there. Chaukidar Ji informed that Patwari ji had gone to second marriage process of Lalt Dev . Chaukidar Ji told,” Don’t be shocked. Lalit Dev is a gentle person. Unfortunately, his first wife could deliver five daughters and no sons, Lalit dev is forced to marry second time”
We had to wait for two more days to get appointment of Patwari ji
Next to next day, Chapdasi ji was absent too. Raja Ram ji was there who informed that Patwari ji had gone to protect Jungal mafia Gajendra ji from Chipko Foundation activists . Raja Ram ji provided knowledge in advance that Ptwari ji will catch chipko activists and in the mean time Gajendra Ji ‘s men would have completed their jobs of cutting the Tun trees. Since, Gajendra ji is very very gentleman, Patwaari ji cooperates with Gajendra ji .
I was frustrated for Patwari ji’s cooperation to gentlemen of our area as I had to leave for Mumbai within a few days.
Understanding my agony, Rajaram ji advised, “ Patwari ji is very gentleman and always is cooperative to gentleman”
Next day, as per the advice of Rajaram ji , I handed over a packet of two thousand bucks to Chaukidar ji for registration and Photo Cards.
Surprisingly, third day , Patwari ji was at my house with necessary papers and did all formalities at my house only. When I got Photo cards , Patwari ji offered me a country liquor bottle distilled by Rajaram ji and said, “Raja Ram is very gentle person. He sent you a personal gift because you are a gentleman”
While seeing of Patwari ji and his Chapdasi ji , Patwari ji said, “ You are a gentleman and that is why I cooperated with you. I am very cooperative with gentleman”
I am still confused whether Patwari ji means gentleman for me or for the packet of two thousand bucks.
(Just a work of fiction)
Copyright @ Bhishma Kukreti, bckukreti@gmail.com
Bhishma Kukreti:
Satire and Fatkar
Vikash Darshan Yatra (A Travelogue to witness Development in my Village)
Bhishma Kukreti
A few days back, I visited my native village after a few years. Second day, I asked to my cousin , “I read on news letters that there have been hundred of developmental works in our village . Will you show me those works cited in news letters published from Kotdwara and Dehradun?”
My cousin said enthusiastically , “ Why not ! It would me my great pleasure to show you you hundred of developmental works in our village”
He took me at corner of village from where the Gwarbat ( a less wide road and in Garhwali, it means the road which is sufficient for domestic animals to walk) leads to other villages of western direction. He showed a half built pillar where one Sangmarmar plate was there on pillar and was written, “ This gate of Jaspur was inaugurated by Jilla parishad member Shri… and the gate was built with the efforts of Gram pradhan under the Ati Pichhda Gram Vikash yojana “
I asked, “ Why was the gate not completed ? “
Cousin answered , “ The second day of this gate foundation ceremony , the anti corruption bureau caught our Vikash Purush gram pradhan for corruption in Gramin Bellow Poverty Line (BPL) Yojana and gate could not be built.”
I said , “ Very sad!”
He took me to southern corner of our village and in between I saw a foundation stone installed on the hundred years old wall of Biasaun (a resting place for Ghasiyarin -Grass dwellers) . The carving on Sangamarmar plate said, “ Is Bisaun ka Ucchikaran , Vikash Prerak Khsetriy Sarpanch ….ke athak Prayash se hua . The Bisaun was elevated by the great efforts of Sarpanch of this area “
My cousin explained , “ As soon as the foundation stone was inaugurated the Vikash Prerak Sarpanch was arrested for molesting to a Ghasiyarin and the Bisaun elevation could not be completed. You will find such foundation stones in each village of our area. Had our Vikash Prerak Sarpanch not arrested, we could see Bisaun elevation in each village”
I said , “ Bad luck for hard working Ghasiyarin ”
In between reaching from western corner to southern corner of village, we came to Gorun ki Nauli (a small built ditch or reservoir for domestic animals taking water). It seems that there had been some disturbances there as the ditch was totally dry now and there was no sign of water spring at all .There was a stone which was showing the script , Is Nauli ka Adhunikaran ka Shilanyash Vikash Samarhak Jila Parishad Sadsy ke Hathon v Unke Prayash se Hua . Vikash Samarthak Jilla parishad member .. Inaugurated the work of modernization of this Gorun Ki Nauli “
My cousin explained, “ Just when Vikash Samarthak ji was inaugurating , Kanungo and Patwari ji (police) came and arrested our Vikash Samarthak ji for his selling water pipes meant for our villages to a Nazibabad shopkeepers. Due to carelessly work the Nauli water has gone down deep”
I said, “ Bad news ! for our domestic animals !”
Just a half kilometer away from Gorun ki Nauli I saw a foundation stone stating , “ Is pul ka Udhghatan Vikash Pujari Vidhyak shri … ke kar kamlon se hua . Vikash Pujari MLA inaugurated the bridge and it was his efforts to build this bridge.”
My cousin elucidated , “ Our Vikash Pujari MLA inaugurated such hundreds of bridges in each villages of his constituency just before the election commissioner declared the election. Unforytunately Vikash Pujari lost the election and the bridge was not completed beyong foundation stone”
I said, “ Bad luck for Guni and Bandar (monkeys) as I don’t think villagers needed this bridge at all “
The cousin wanted to take towards steep hill and I did not have courage to walk on the steep hill. I asked cousin , “ How many such developmental foundation stones will be there in our village ?”
He answered, ‘ Now a days, on an average every month, one foundation stone is installed not only in our village but in each village . By that count at least, there will be three hundred developmental foundation stones installed in our village”
I told, “ Bhaiji ! I am little bit tired. I need energy “
He said, “ Ok ! Let us go to Pradhan ji to take best country liquor of our area distilled by his son in his Kacchi Daru ki Bhatti “
I agreed to do so .
Copyright @Bhishma Kukreti, bckukreti@gmail.com
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